What I’d Buy With 1.6 Billion Dollars

  • A golden retriever, duh.
  • A scholarship fund that would provide money and a Cuddle Clone. To be eligible, students would have to be leaving a pet behind at home and attending school far enough from home where it would be difficult for them to go back and visit regularly (bonus points if a flight would be required so the pet wouldn’t be able to come visit them).
  • A Mold-o-rama with a Husky mold for Matthews Arena (during the off season it could be relocated to the student center), and training for me on how to maintain and repair the machine.
  • A large multi-family that would be rented out exclusively to low income families at rates that would actually be affordable to them
  • A second large multi-family that would be rented out exclusively to owners of large dogs, with priority given to “bully breeds” (there’d still be an AMI limit, but it would be at least 150%). People who don’t currently have dogs due to an inability to have them at their current location would also be acceptable, but their lease would be month to month until they actually got a dog, and they’d have to somehow prove they were trying. I’d have to figure out a policy for if the dog dies, because obviously it would be horrible to lose your beloved pet AND be thrown out of your apartment. A portion of everyone’s rent would be put in a savings account to be used in the event of a medical emergency.
  • A property manager to handle maintenance etc of the multi families because I’m not at all experienced enough to know what I’m doing
  • The best tickets to all Taylor Swift shows at Gillette Stadium. I’d buy one for myself, some for interested friends, and then some to award to strangers who wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford to go. The strangers would have to be around my age or older because I don’t want to feel like a creeper. There’d also be a helicopter hired to take us all there so we don’t have to deal with traffic, drinks would be on me, and everyone would get to purchase a merch item. Unless there’s only one blanket left. I get dibs on the blankets.
  • Hiring someone whose only job would be to do my laundry, including putting it away. Since doing my laundry wouldn’t really take up that much time, and they’d be paid well enough that using the time for a second job would be silly, I would also pay for them to get an education in a field of their choosing.
  • A new computer for my parents every time they complain about theirs being slow, so they stop complaining to me about their computer being slow when it’s “not even that old why is technology so terrible”.
  • Macs for everyone in my family who uses Windows and asks me questions about it, so they stop asking me questions I can’t help with because I don’t use the OS and can’t stand using the OS.
  • Hiring someone to deliver a dozen Asiago bagels and an appropriate amount of cream cheese from Cape Cod Bagel to me every two weeks.